Watching Remus Sleep
by thebrownwerewolf
Summary: Sirius sneaks into Remus's bedroom and reflects on their friendship and what went wrong. NOT SLASH!


**Aha I see how this works. Sorry for any spelling mistakes in this bit as the letters come out all weird and symbol-ly making it very hard to read what I am writing.**

** Anyway my first Fanfiction. Hope you enjoy. Slightly Angstsy but not overly. All in all I am pleased with it. **

**Enjoy! **

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He couldn't resist sneaking in to watch his friend sleep. So much had changed in these past few years, well twelve years to be exact and he couldn't believe that this was the same man he had known almost like a brother all those years ago.

The moonlight illuminated the figure in the bed. Light brown hair fanned over the pillow and the few, tiny scars on his face looked like tiny bumps in the moonlight. Those weren't there twelve years ago. He wondered whether they we full moon inflictions or otherwise. His eyes were closed but Sirius knew what lay under those eyelids. Beautiful eyes full of sadness and compassion. Eyes that were blue-grey-green lined with a dark line of grey and in the middle, circling the iris, that flash of pure gold that in the dark filled the whole eye and made his eyes truly look like those of a wolf.

Long limbs lay on-top of the bed covers. All down his arms were lines. Some were recent wounds and flashed red in contrast with the pale skin, others, old and white, just faint lines to show the suffering he undertook every month.

Sirius has caught him staring at the moon when it nears full. He has caught the flash of worry and terror in those deep eyes of his. It would fade almost instantly, retreat behind the shell of the man that was, no, used to be, Remus Lupin. He never showed his feelings if he could help it. He was not one for violent bursts of temper or bouts of aggression. He was not one to show joy or happiness, sadness or anger. He showed the same passive face everyday.

He was polite, sensible and level headed. Feelings were for normal people, people who weren't like him, people who could show feelings in public without being ridiculed and blamed for having no control.

The world hated him for something that wasn't his fault. The world hated Sirius too. He was now getting an inkling of the hell Remus Lupin had lived in since the night he was bitten. Sirius too had learnt that there were worse prisons than Azkaban or the murky halls of Grimmauld place. During his time in Azkaban he had learnt about the prison of being trapped in his own mind and the horrors contained within it; the prison of memories and being trapped in the past. He was starting to realise that Remus, despite having not having been to Azkaban, was also trapped in his memories, the past and his own guilt.

Sirius crept across the room. His foot caught the edge of a book and kicked it across the room. It hit the opposite wall with a resounding thud. Sirius looked up in horror but Remus just snorted and rolled the other way. Sirius let out a sigh of relief. Remus was always a heavy sleeper. He had been known to sleep through earthquakes. Sirius smiled as he remembered that night when Harry had been a tiny baby and there had been a small earthquake. Lily was panicking and clutching Harry and James had been trying to comfort and soothe them both. Sirius, Remus and Peter were all sleeping on sofas and mattresses in the living room. Sirius and Peter had clung to each other until the shaking stopped and when they looked at Remus, he hadn't even moved. When they questioned him the following morning a sleepy Remus had said dopily 'There was an earthquake'. The memory still made Sirius chuckle.

How could he have doubted Remus's loyalties to the Order? Looking back it was obvious that Peter was the spy among them. Sirius had been blinded by his concern for Harry and his dear friends that he had looked for the obvious explanation, Remus. Remus was a werewolf and what's more a werewolf with a grudge. Ok so he said he forgave Sirius for telling Snape how to get to the Shrieking Shack but Sirius had always had a nagging doubt, a small inkling that maybe Remus didn't forgive him, maybe Remus was just waiting for the perfect opportunity to excise his revenge. He tried so hard to forget his Black upbringing, tried so hard to rid himself of the prejudice that came with being a Black but in those months of panic when one didn't know who and what to trust, it all came back to him and he naturally blamed the only one, in the eyes of a Black, worth blaming. The werewolf.

Remus rolled over and opened his eyes slowly and blearily. He squinted at Sirius and focused on him. Then he muttered something ineligible.

'Pardon Remus' Sirius laughed.

'I said 'why are you watching me sleep'' he murmured sleepily.

'Because I am' came Sirius's reply.

Remus turned his head towards the clock and swore.

'Language Lupin, don't let Molly here you talking like that, I wouldn't put it past her to actually wash your mouth out with soap'

'Sirius its 5:45 in the morning'

'I know'

Remus rubbed his face with one hand drowsily, a gesture so familiar that Sirius's heart ached for a moment.

'Why are you in my room at 5:45 in the morning?'

'I was thinking'

'Thinking'

'Yes'

'Couldn't you think in your own room?'

'No'

Remus swung his legs over the side of the bed. He glared at Sirius who beamed back.

'Sirius, you are infuriating you know that'

'Yes'

Remus stood up and stretched, his pyjama shirt rising slightly, showing Sirius an abdomen littered with white and red lines.

'I'm going down to make breakfast' Remus said 'when you have finished thinking come down and eat something'

'Will do mate'

As Remus closed the door Sirius let his sadness wash over him again. The world was wrong. The world was wrong about his guilt and Remus's condition. They were wrong about Harry and wrong about Voldemort's return. One day the world might accept him again. He could be found innocent but he could never fully endorse the world again knowing Remus could never have a place in it.

He sighed. He better go downstairs now. Remus was funny about people wondering around his bedroom for long periods of time unsupervised. He knew Sirius would never touch anything but Sirius wasn't going to put him through the aggravation. Plus he could smell the eggs and toast cooking. He got up and walked out the door letting it close behind him with a click.

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**Ok what did you think. I hated the ending personally but I am never good with endings. Anyway you can tell me what you think but pressing review!! You know you want to"**

**For those of you who are doubting the exsistance of earthquakes in England...We do have them. We had one the other day that was 5.2 on the Ricter Scale...and I slept through it lol **


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